my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
