I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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