WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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