When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
