I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
