everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
