I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
