did you get engaged???
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
