she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
