Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
