Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
