I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
