Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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