it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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