I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
