I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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