Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
