I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
