Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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