your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
