Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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