Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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