I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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