when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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