i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
