i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
