If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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