Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize