so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
