Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
