It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
