i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
