Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
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