I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
