thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
