But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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