My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
