I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
