We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Enjoy the penises
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
