I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
