Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
