So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
