the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
