dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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