Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize