just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
