dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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