Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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