The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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