Porn is love you can see.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
