She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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