im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Randomize
