and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize