went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Randomize
