There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize