Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize