i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
