Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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