i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
